


cowardice and delusion

by harryandthestars



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of the episode, Angst, Insecurity, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, episode 3x13, literally just angst, this episode messed me up but what's new
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 09:44:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17979002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harryandthestars/pseuds/harryandthestars
Summary: T.J. realizes there’s more to his feelings for Cyrus. And he’s not sure what do with them.Cyrus realizes there’s danger in his feelings for T.J. And he’s sure what do with them.





	cowardice and delusion

**Author's Note:**

> we all know tyrus is endgame lmao but this ep broke my heart. literally.  
> thanks for reading!

When he thinks of him, he visualizes light.

No golden trophy can compare to the brightness that Cyrus brings. T.J.’s life seemed to pick up after meeting him. There was suddenly this unparalleled euphoria, something foreign and new and exciting. Cyrus Goodman is his personal seismic shift with the most wonderful aftershocks. There is no denying it now, no point in doing so, not when he’s been moping around for the past six and a half hours because T.J. has disappointed Cyrus yet again. But this is even worse than the previous time. 

He once vowed to crush the person that even dared to hurt Cyrus. And now T.J.’s performed this unthinkable deed, the proof being the look in Cyrus’ eyes. How could he, how dare he, why would he? 

T.J. thinks of himself as many things. And now coward has been added to the list, bold and clear because there is no better word that suits him.

He remembers his teammates showcasing their girlfriends—another golden trophy to them, another mark of respect. And T.J. has tried, he really has, not once but twice, with two meaningless middle school attachments.  _ With names,  _ he imagines Cyrus chiding.  _ They have names, T.J. They’re more than just your ex-girlfriends. _

When he felt nothing from them, he concluded the simple fact that he was just into something else. Basketball, with its exhilarating high, a breath of fresh air from the dreariness of the whole affair of so-called dating. And then he met Buffy Driscoll, and he was faced with the uncomfortable fact that academics have to matter. And then he met Cyrus Goodman, and he was faced with the comfortable fact that people—genuinely amazing people—matter too. 

But Cyrus can bring T.J. twinges of anxiety. Like when he realized that Cyrus had freckles in the sun. Like when he realized that he worried about Cyrus more than anyone else. Like when he realized that Cyrus’ smile was the only smile that mattered to him. He ignored, continued to ignore, the realization that was coming to his direction. 

It worked for a little while, but another nudge from the universe came in the form of Kira. She knows, he can tell, she knows about the too-long stares and smiles and the unadulterated joy that Cyrus gives him. 

She knows it better than him. 

So he panicked, like a coward. He couldn’t even bring it in himself to text Cyrus, like a coward. And he really hates himself for it, instead of fixing the damn thing, like a fucking coward. 

The worst part is that T.J. finds it easier to think of himself as a coward than someone who’s in love with Cyrus. 

Than gay.    
  


* * *

When he thinks of him, he visualizes freefall.

Like those pictures in science textbooks explaining terminal velocity—the screaming parachuters experiencing something so daring. Cyrus once wondered why they would willingly sign themselves up for that danger even when there’s that possibility of irrevocable doom. He really didn’t understand the answer until now, until T.J. Kippen made him realize why. It’s for the better probability—of liberating freedom, of the addicting thrill. 

Cyrus knew this could happen, and it did. He fooled himself once again, his own pawn in this shitty game of life. But it hurts more this time. Because he always knew Jonah was unattainable. Because this time he let himself fall faster, quicker, and all he received was the harsh landing. Because he is painfully delusional.

That T.J., of all people, would rather share a costume with him than with a pretty girl.   


That T.J., of all people, would care about him enough to at least text him.

That T.J., of all people, would think of him in the way Cyrus thinks of him.

Cyrus realizes he’s grateful for Kira for letting him realize. Not to fall for every nice boy, even nice boys who tell you that you’re the only person they can talk to in a certain way. Even nice boys who start doing the right thing after the two of you become friends. Even nice boys who bring you the liberating freedom, the addicting thrill.

He understands now. That being hurt immediately is better than building yourself up to the pain.  That never knowing what could happen is better than what actually happens.

 That never knowing what could happen is better than what actually happens. Cyrus imagines T.J. arguing with him. _You should always try something new, Underdog._ He’s always telling him to be daring and courageous.

But Cyrus isn’t brave like T.J. 

And it’s better if he’s not. 

  
  


 

  
  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> my boys ):


End file.
